Saturday, January 26, 2008

So how is Saturday coming along?

Having had to close out in a hurry, leaving the whole world dangling in suspense with a question mark, it would be nice of me to follow through with my emotional week. You know..... I just realized, well, not just now, but just now to stop and address the issue.... I have a tendency to use the word "we" rather than "I" and "I" think it is time "I" really started to pay attention to that, and do something about it because this is "my" ('nother form of "I" ;) blog, not "our" ('nother form of "we" ;) blog,

It is "my" ('nother form of "I") opinion that this comes from all those years of connecting myself with someone else, be it my husband (especially pre-1st baby days (did "I" feel this kind of connection before marriage.... "I" wonder ) ), or one-by-one, the additional child till there were three of "us"('nother form of "we" (where did darling husband go, and where does he fit in this picture.... shoved right out of it? ;)). Did "I" lose "I" in 1964, and am just now reclaiming "me" ('nother form of "I"). That means that "I" have been lost for all those (or is it these?) years, and am just now finding "myself" once again (or did "I" ever actually have "myself" to begin with? Let "me" think on it a bit, and get back to you (neither "I" nor "we" but plain "you" of which "I" am no part).

Sleep, blessed sleep seems to have done its restorative duty. Zonked, Konked. Snoozed. Sight and strength easing their way back into my life. Nice. Hard to see out of one blurry eye. Woke to considerable pain, but it did get better as the day went along. I'm ready to run out doors and play now. How I wish! LOL Not a bad day for just one week post IVIg! I'm satisfied and hopeful.

Now then. Picking up where "I" (hehe, thought you'd catch me, didn't you.... you, almost did!) left off about Ashley moving to C.C., and the high, emotionally packed week I have just had with completing my stay in the hospital for ;) my IVIg treatment, discovering Ashley had moved out of her mother's, and in with Billy, then the abrupt news that they were moving to C.C. to live with his mother.

It is important to remember that I am talking about my feelings here, and not about right or wrong. A difference of opinion might be the best way to describe the whole kit and kabootle. It is the ingredients of the mixture that determines the depth of the decisions made, and the reactions to those decisions, all of which :::sigh::: I do not think it wise to disclose fully in my blog ("my" blog, "my" choice ;) Now where I draw the line just might be a tad more difficult than I'd care to guess, but guess a grandmother's gotta do what a grandmother's gotta do, huh?

Jim was asked recently if Ashley and I were close. His answer was, "Like two peas in a pod." Indeed.

Where would I have been so much of the time in the past three years or so, had it not been for Ashley. In his absence, she is the only person that I feel could step in, and fully meet my needs (financial needs aside). I would trust her completely with my life (well, we might eat a bit more take-out, but that's no biggie ;).

How many sixteen year olds can, or are willing to help out their sixty-plus year old grandmother with her personal needs brought on by her disability?

How many make sure their grandmother is taken care of whenever we are out, when other young girls might be embarrassed by a grandmother with her grandmother's disabilities?

How many times has she soothed this grandmother whenever we were out, and my clothing became soiled.... she could make things okay with her teenage logic of "really, what difference does it make?" and she was right, it really didn't make any difference, and I could go on and have a nice time.

She taught me a lot about how to enjoy life, how to get the most out of life, after life short-changed me of being able to live it to its fullest, thanks to Myasthenia Gravis, neuropathy, and other medical issues.

She made me laugh when I had wanted to cry, smile when I wanted to frown, be happy when I was sad..... in other words, she could make my place a better place to live

How many give a personal drawing to their grandmother on her 65th birthday? *sweet*

I have felt her tenderness when taking care of my needs. I have felt her love by her gentleness.

I have seen her tenderness when taking care of baby's needs. I have sensed her love for the baby by her gentleness.

She asked, "Do all mothers feel this way," as she drew the baby even closer into her bosom, all the while kissing the baby's head, pursing tiny wisps of hair between her lips.

Why then? Why must I not trust her now? Yes, I know the arguments against.

This much I also know. I know that I do not know what is best for Ashley; only what I *think* I know. Only God knows. I also know that He loves her more than I do, a Truth that has gotten me through many bumpy roads with her in the past, as I had to take it one step at a time. That is how I am having to take it now.... One step at a time, trusting God, that He loves her more than I do, and is watching over her and the baby. My heart swells.

Sleep tight you, two. I love you.

Ashton Sears Moore 9/25/07

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