Sunday, May 4, 2008

Finding normalcy within chaos

Last week was to be so simple, so cut and dry. It was The Week, I have been following, it was to be the turning point for Jim and me. It still may turn out to be just that, only not in the way we had expected. We should know better because our life's experiences of 46 years have taught us to never have our plans cast in stone, and to not be surprised at changes along the way.

A summary
  • Wednesday was The Day, the day to kiss the cancer good-bye in alll likelihood.
  • During the surgery an unexpected, unspecified mass about the size of a nickel was found, and further examination was needed before safely proceeding; surgery was halted at that point.
  • We know nothing of the mass. It is being studied.
  • All that we do know now is a CT scan of Jim's pelvic and abdomen on Tuesday.
  • An appointment with his doctor on Thursday morning, but . . . how stable is this appointment? This is the doctor who had to change his first surgery date because he had kidney stones! Please do not mistaken me, I am not bashing him. He is my doctor too.Finding normalcy within chaos
  • Beyond that it is all blowing in the wind, tumbling, chaotic. The prostate cancer is the slow growing kind, but what about our nerves . . . our anxieties . . . are they the slow growing types?
Normalcy. Within all of this, where do Jim and I find some normalcy? In the midst of all of this, next Monday, April 12th, is the time for me to hop, skip, and jump to St. Francis - Barlett to try out my new port for my five day course of IVIG treatment. This is a supposedly normalcy in our lives; we can plan on this every four weeks. Is this all?

Actually, there is nothing we can look towards, plan on, until after out appointment with Gubin on Thursday. I guess I just don't like hanging in the air. So, we do that appointment, and get that news, then I go to the hospital the next Monday. As for today, that is our normalcy in this land of chaos.

I sure wish Jim and I were not apart right now. Missing our morning talks makes it all just that much harder, more unsettled. Neither of us knows what the other is thinking, and moreso, how the other FEELS about all of this. I know a little from a question I asked of him, but do not feel it should be mentioned here, especially without our discussing it. Golly, I miss him so. Just to think of lying in my hospital bed, my lined-up stuff along the wall, a baby or two lying on top of me, one on the floor, Precious on his computer, him in my rocker . . . it gives me flutters, and a feeling - twinkling? - in my tummy. To me, this is love of the older generation. I sure don't know anyone else who makes me feel this way, that's for sure!!!!! I love you, Jim. i'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this, It's just not fair, and yes, I know, nobody ever said life is fair, but you don't deserve this, especially this with this new finding. I'm glad you had the extra TLC from Donnie since I couldn't give it to you. The Kingly feast of soup, crackers, and juice that helped you get past your nausea.

I wish the lounge chair at the hospital was more comfortable because I'd surely love it if you could be able to stay at the hospital a night or two since you're not able to do much. Talk. Just talk. hahaha We could have fun taking pictures. Laughing with the staff whenever they come into the room. **smile on my face** Oh, aren't we going to have fun whenever we are back together once more, and both of us are healthy . . . well, to the best we can be.

For now, see if The Princess can bring a smile to your face. Can't you just see her getting all involved with the beauty products, getting nail polish and lipstick all over everything, and poor Jen having to come along behind her and clean up the mess, new baby Alexander in one arm!!! It's for the young, isn't it? And Ashley "is full of hands" with Ashton crawling now. but today, here is The Princess! Don't forget to click on this small picture so you can see it better in the big one. You just cannot see that cutie pie smile in this little one!

Striving for a world wihtout Myasthenia Gravis


Cara said...

Hello Grandma,

I've been away (again) for a couple of days. Things are very hectic at home at the moment.

Just wanted to say a quick hello and let you know that you are in my thoughts and I wish you and Jim all the best.



ragdoll said...

Thank you Cara. Been over to read about your "two spoons" and was going back but fell asleep before I could!! I'll be back over to visit now that I am awake again. hahaha

Grandma Ragdoll Billie