It is time for Coleman Larson's life to be remembered right now in Our Saviour’s Lutheran Church in Callender, Iowa. I had started a post of "My heart remembers" but could not complete it, for this whole week has been all scrambled for me between my personal life, and my dearest childhood cancer friend and family, Coleman and Team Larson.I found it interesting that I could not access my internet until ten minutes ago. Ummm, can I say I don't believe in things like that? I did everything I know, and I am pretty tech savvy, and nothing, I mean absolutely nothing would work. I didn't fight against it, and went to play some Mah Jong. When I am doing that, I cannot see the rest of my computer, so at the end of a game, I came to check on my internet, having NO idea of the time, and not uptight about Coleman and my Robert memories.
Surprise! I found everything perfectly normal! It was loading pages so smoothly, and here I am thinking and writing of Coleman right while they are in Callender celebrating his short, but long impressionable life. But when I think of Coleman there, pictuing the service in my mind, I see Robert and his service, his casket at the funeral home for visitation. His service was at the high school gymnasium for several reasons. It's been a long time since I have remembered that day, and never at night in my sleep, in my dreams. But flashes last night. Claudia was playing 'His Eye is on the Sparrow." Yes, and I know He watches me. The song still brings the tears. For twenty-four years He's been watching me. He will still be watching Peggy, Scott, and Caden twenty-four years from now, just as He is today. They each will have their own needs, but He will know them, and will provide for them. Just as this earthly mom rejoices to see that her children have survived these years, so does our Heavenly Father rejoice at our survival, and at times He probably laughed and said, "See, there, I told you so, you just needed to wait on Me." He knew. He knew all along. It was just our wanting to rush it sometimes. But here we are today. Still surviving, and the "kids" surviving much better than then. Praise God.
This road has been sooo rough and rocky, and at times I was not sure I was going to make it, at times Jim and I were not going to make it, but . . . here we are today, and we are still making it, minus one child, and with our family growing by what is perceived the wrong, the hard way, eight grands and great-grands with another great on the way. Jim is 69, I'm 66. He's doling out the advice, me the hugs, things needing to be heard and felt. He is a cancer survivor from last year. I have a rare, incurable disease that requires him to care for me, the house, and himself 24 hours a day. There is NOTHING to big for God! It only "feels" like it sometimes, and that sometimes might be once a week, but that's okay, for God is there every moment of every week. Praise Him!
I have some more about last night, but I'm not sure I am ready to write about it just yet. Maybe I need a soft and silky friend to join me, but I have some soft and silky kitty cats here, one of whom is in my lap right now. I think I wil close for now. I've been writing for an hour. I feel good, and better about Coleman and Robert, readhing towards best. I might as well. There is nothing I can or could do about either of them. You think Robert might be sitting, talking to his grandparents about all of this, just maybe? I will be glad when Peggy, Scott, and Caden are able to have Coleman imaginations, which it wouldn't surprise me if they had not already begun knowing Peggy.I still have not told about my surgery plans but there is plenty of time for that. God has laid this on my heart.
2 comments:
Hi Billie
What a day. I have not let the Larsons out of my mind all day. I looked at my watch at 10:45 am and told Jim the service had started for Coleman. What an example Coleman was as he faced his medical problems with such a belief in God. I can't relate to the loss of a child. I have no idea how I would handle the grief. I do know that in the serious problems I have faced God has always seen me through. What we do now is find some ways to support the raising of funds for research of childhood cancer. I have prayed for you today realizing how much this would cause you to think about Robert. I have asked God to Calm your mind and let you feel his loving presence today. I love you and wish I could have been with you today. I could have held your hand and shared your tears or something. I hate the distance between us. Jocelyn
Yes, and I started this at 10:27 and it was NOT planned, with my computer/internet not even working until then. God at work? I think so. Were we nearer we could have held a prayer vigil, but THAT would have been OUR plans, and not God's. As it was, I spent a LOT of quiet time with God and this all day long until I got it up late in the afternoon. I needed to work through these things with Robert.
I've wanted to, and almost started to call you today, but felt I needed to work myself through today, and let it come out here. Like I said, I've never dreamed about Robert whereas Jim has many times, but last night was a night of FLASHES all night long. THIS IS GOOD as it opens and releases another area of my grief process. Twenty-four years and it is still going on. And people want to stop it at a predetermined time. One of his teachers said three months was plenty of time. Whatever.
Remember why I told you to start reading my blog? Look how many things I have had to cope with just in this short period of time. One piled upon another. All showing how God gives us what we need when we need it.
I DO wish we were closer but again, we must not balk at God's plan. Maybe we can see each other after I'm better after my back surgery. We'll see. More info later.
Love to you and Jim
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