Melancholy

Melancholy

• a gloomy state of mind
• sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness
• despondency
• depression, despair, desperation, gloom, misery, sadness
• hopelessness

Which of the above suits me? I hate to think that any of them do, but at least one must, for everything seems to be so wrong, and it's dragging me along, and I feel myself becoming mired in a bog of these miserable feelings. Feelings that I do not want nor welcome. Thinking about it, I think hopelessness might be at the root of things right now. I was looking around thesaurus.com, and ended up with heavy-heartedness, and I think that really seems to fit me best with "a feeling or spell of dismally low spirits." I know that "this too shall pass," but I want it gone NOW!

I just feel too *heavy* to do anything of my own volition to help myself up and out of this mire. Sure, several things are out of kilter right now, but so what? It's definitely not the first time, and nothing is so bad for me to be like this. Okay, I've judged, and analyzed myself, gotten the technical stuff out of the way, now what? Something has calmed my feelings since I decided to just write as I cried, or is that cry as I wrote, or does it really matter? I think not.

I'll tell you something I am realizing, and that is I can feel all the internet people I know in a cyber kind of way, and it feels like a huge, humongous fellowship, or support group, or whatever you'd like to call it. Not a single one of them knows of my feelings right now, so it's not that anyone has given me any feedback on my feelings. Is it the power of friendship? Or blogship? Or support group-ship? There are all my friends in the diabetic support newsgroup which have developed over several years, and now all of the ones I have met through "the world of blog,"one of the neatest places I have ever been. There has been a plethora of different kinds of people I have come in contact with through "the world of blog." It is mostly *safe* to become a cyber friend. Do we form these friendships because most - or some - everyone drops the veil, and exposes things about themselves because they can safely remain anonymous, allowing us to get to know who we really are. Well, with exceptions of course, and does it really matter whether those with whom we make contact are actually 100% truthful or not, they at least have created a person whom we like, with whom we connect. Maybe we, ourselves, throw in a bit of idealism to our own identities. I do not consciously do it, but who knows, maybe sometimes there is a bit of fictional character of whom I wish I was or wasn't, but I really do strive to be honest.

Back from my side trip, where I have meandered. Typical. What is behind my feelings of drudgery? Has it only been like this since Friday night? I am so childish. They definitely should put on my tombstone, "She never grew up." Am I letting my material things take the place of the *body* I have lost? There they roll. Both eyes, right down my cheeks. I'd like to think something is amiss to make accepting *the loss* easier, more mature, adult-like. We use the strangest things to replace, or to cope with our losses. I've got to stop the crying, though.

I really think part of my problem is readjusting to getting back home. We are not where we were before we left here June 11th, in more ways than one. I was just thinking of how we were then. What do we have to do? How long will it take? Uh, oh. I think I touched on my problem. I am feeling like I have lost more than the Casio.

The sun is coming up. A new day is dawning. I'm looking forward to seeing what it will bring to me, and I to it.


TOODLES
Striving for a world without Myasthenia Gravis